Americans love their junk food; so much so that there is even a Spam Museum in Austin, Minnesota, the birthplace of the famous tinned meat. Spam (or “spiced ham”) was first put in tins in 1937. This was during the Depression, and the Museum also explains the important role that spam played in feeding the troops in the Second World War. Only later (thanks to Monty Python’s famous “spam sketch” of 1970) did it become a generic term for unsolicited email.
(All accents are Standard English, except for the “Hungarian”).
Morning.
Morning.
What have you got, then?
Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Have you got anything without spam in it?
Well, there’s spam, egg, sausage and spam, that’s not got much spam in it.
I don’t want ANY spam!
Why can’t she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
That’s got spam in it!
Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?
Uuuuuuggggh!
What do you mean “Uuugggh!” I don’t like spam!
(singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam ...
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.
Why not!
No, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, spam and sausage, would it?
I don’t like spam!
Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your spam. I love it. I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...
(singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam ...
... baked beans, spam, spam and spam.
Baked beans are off.
Well, can I have spam instead?
You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam and spam?
Spam, spam, spam, spam ... (etc.)
Yes.
Uuuuuuggggh!
Lovely spam, wonderful, spam.
Shut up! Shut up!
Great boobies, honeybun, my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam ...
Spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Shut up!
My nipples explode...
Another great Viking victory was at the Green Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was the same. They sailed from these fiords here, assembled at Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Spam, spam, spam, lovely spam, wonderful spam...
Haagbard Etheldronga and his Viking hordes are currently appearing in Grin and Pillage It at the Jodrell Theatre, Colwyn Bay. The Dirty Hungarian Phrase Book is available from Her Majesty’s Stationery Office, price - a kiss on the bum.
(The Spam sketch formed part of Monty Python’s Flying Circus “Episode 25,” which was actually episode 12 in the second TV series. It was first broadcast by the BBC on December 22nd, 1970. For more on the history of the word spam, go to: http://www.templetons.com/brad/spamterm.html)