Spam Museum

Americans love their junk food; so much so that there is even a Spam Museum in Austin, Minnesota, the birthplace of the famous tinned meat. Spam (or “spiced ham”) was first put in tins in 1937. This was during the Depression, and the Museum also explains the important role that spam played in feeding the troops in the Second World War. Only later (thanks to Monty Python’s famous “spam sketch” of 1970) did it become a generic term for unsolicited email.

THE SKETCH

(All accents are Standard English, except for the “Hungarian”).

Mr. Bun

Morning.

Waitress

Morning.

Mr. Bun

What have you got, then?

Waitress

Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Mrs. Bun

Have you got anything without spam in it?

Waitress

Well, there’s spam, egg, sausage and spam, that’s not got much spam in it.

Mrs. Bun

I don’t want ANY spam!

Mr. Bun

Why can’t she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?

Mrs. Bun

That’s got spam in it!

Mr. Bun

Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.

Mrs. Bun

Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?

Waitress

Uuuuuuggggh!

Mrs. Bun

What do you mean “Uuugggh!” I don’t like spam!

Vikings

(singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam ...

Waitress

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.

Mrs. Bun

Why not!

Waitress

No, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, spam and sausage, would it?

Mrs. Bun

I don’t like spam!

Mr. Bun

Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your spam. I love it. I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...

Vikings

(singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam ...

Mr. Bun

... baked beans, spam, spam and spam.

Waitress

Baked beans are off.

Mr. Bun

Well, can I have spam instead?

Waitress

You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam and spam?

Vikings

Spam, spam, spam, spam ... (etc.)

Mr. Bun

Yes.

Waitress

Uuuuuuggggh!

Vikings

Lovely spam, wonderful, spam.

Waitress

Shut up! Shut up!

Hungarian (Hungarian accent)

Great boobies, honeybun, my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam ...

Vikings

Spam, spam, spam, spam ...

Waitress

Shut up!

Hungarian

My nipples explode...

Historian

Another great Viking victory was at the Green Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was the same. They sailed from these fiords here, assembled at Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...

Vikings

Spam, spam, spam, lovely spam, wonderful spam...

Voice over

Haagbard Etheldronga and his Viking hordes are currently appearing in Grin and Pillage It at the Jodrell Theatre, Colwyn Bay. The Dirty Hungarian Phrase Book is available from Her Majesty’s Stationery Office, price - a kiss on the bum.

(The Spam sketch formed part of Monty Python’s Flying Circus “Episode 25,” which was actually episode 12 in the second TV series. It was first broadcast by the BBC on December 22nd, 1970. For more on the history of the word spam, go to: http://www.templetons.com/brad/spamterm.html)